Dear Betty,

I tried to ring you last night. No answer. I tried to inform you of my decision to abolish this act that we play; to let you know that when the sun rises tomorrow, my phone will be turned off, my sheets will be cold, and your world will be turned upside down. Hopefully.

Betty, I tested it out today. I wanted to feel that burn of something other than my anger flow through my body. I have the scar to prove it – which could be a forever reminder if I fail, yet again, tomorrow. But I feel confident in my methods and don’t think I’ll have to worry about hiding my scar. Hopefully.

Betty, how I wish you could see me right now. See that glow in my eyes and the flush of my cheeks. I finally have a plan that I can accomplish. I can’t tell you how great that makes me feel. Like a new life will be born, in a different world. Hopefully.

It’s been a couple years since this has been on my agenda. My hands haven’t stopped shaking since yesterday at noon – perhaps it is my excitement, my nervousness, or maybe six headache pills at once was three too many. My alarm is set for 5:30am so I can see the sun rise. I’ve been told it is a beauty – me being such a night owl, I rarely enjoy a sunrise. Tomorrow should be different though. Hopefully.

Well Betty, I don’t have much left to leave you with. I tried many a time to let you step in. You must not have gotten the invitation. I’m sorry for that, I think we could have made a good team. I’m also sorry for any inconveniences I’ll be causing you, but I think in the long run you’ll make it. Perhaps even learn something. Hopefully.

Have a good nights sleep – this might be your last for a while.

With all the hope in the world for you,

Me.

so the end of that last post is bullshit....sometimes nice guys really do finish last.

whats on my mind you ask? whats on my mind? how about a brief stint in sanity followed by a long period of being insane. does that work for you? how much would you mind just letting loose of those things that hold you back….realizing that not everything can be accomplished, not everyone can be ok with everyone else. what do you miss about life that is no longer? do you miss the times where responsibility was never forced? when life was explored as you grew with it? how do you be happy again? what are the constants in life that help you reach happiness? you ask me my definition and i reply, i know what it is, i know what i want but the journey is the rough part. i apologize for being frank, for being upfront about whats on my mind. i apologize for not being ok, but i need to let things out sometimes. who doesn't? the body is amazingly adaptable. things can happen, things can be endured that not everyone will understand. but the mind will work through the problems and come out on the other side. emotionless. i sit and wonder. stare at the dark of loneliness. i'm sick of all this woe is me bullshit. life is too short not to be happy. i have to make a promise to myself to change myself. to become a better person. i know that i go through ups and downs - thats what makes me human. instead of dwelling on things to make me down, find the good and focus on that. realize how nice it feels to be nice to someone. do not overwhelm yourself, but do not think that you are better than those around. when it all comes down to it, life is about surrounding yourself with people who are good for you. with people who understand you and will care for and about you no matter what. if you just be happy and nice to people you shouldn't have to worry about them fucking you over in the long run.

I've come to the conclusion that I really am not a fan of titles. Whether it be a title to a post, a poem or titles in life. I think so many people have grown up with this idea that having some kind of title is a safe, sound and successful thing. Therefore, people strive to obtain this goal while in the meantime missing everything they are passing by.

I grew up, much like everyone else in this country, in a place where titles could make or break a person. High school was the beginning to this dreadful existence....popular kids ate lunch over here, jocks ate lunch over there, blah blah blah. I guess if I were to label myself in High School, I would have been a loner. But those of you who know me now might not agree with that. Yes I am shy and yes I can fail to be social - often - however, the title of loner seems to not properly describe me.

I think titles are generalizations of people that help everyone decide who they want to associate with, when in all actuality, everyone deserves a fair chance and if after the fact you disagree with that persons' morals, judgments, etc...then you can choose not to be part of their life. But as that saying goes...don't judge a book by its cover.

with japan on the other line

asking me for autographs from Godzilla

in hopes to compare with those from

their sushi monster,

i listen to you yell

for fried fish and a bottle of saki.

but you convinced me

that you'll be a pirate with a

sailor growl just as rough as the rest of them.

and that way as we walk

from department store to department store,

stalking the belt racks,

i can be your translator.

for your language

is toned up from native talk

and surly if they found out

we'd get hanged.

but after our adventure

we can dive into another,

like i dive every other tuesday into a bowl of lime green jello.

and then a loud beeping goes off

and it's the alarm for fires.

and then a loud beeping goes off

and it's the alarm for smoke.

and then i realize

it's just the microwave.

open the door and

bugs fall from warm bread.

bread rub.

bread rub time.

i place it on my head

and immediately

thoughts of unicorns eating sunflowers

come rushing in.

and i feel much better.

but with a bed empty and a floor full

i practice walking on the ceiling

while standing on my head.

If you have super powers are you obligated to save the world?